Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal

So, I've been having a sort of rugged February/March, I've had some great ups and some pretty painful downs. I'll just not down the things that have happened.
Positives:
-Cousins visited for the weedend, had a lot of fun.
-Found interest in my childhood show "Thomas the Tank Engine" again, that's a fun hobby.
-Improved my skills in drawing MLP related stuff.

Negatives:
Well, this gets a little deep. I'm having a lot of struggles with my identity, just who I am overall. I don't know what I want to do with my life, and what's been burning a lot harder; I'm not even sure of my gender identity, the thought's like an alternate ego that just can't be held back. I've had many times where this feeling has shown. For example, I was with my best friend last night, and he accidentally called me "ma'am." For some bizarre reason, rather than correct him, I just got a fuzzy feeling. And it felt amazing, like walking outside and feeling the warm embrace of the sun. It just tugs at my heart so many times a day, yet I'm really scared to follow it.

This awfully hot weather! We're in autumn now and we're still having days in the mid-30s and nights close to the mid-20s. I've never really enjoyed the heat much and hot nights make it very difficult to sleep. It reminds me of what the weather was like when I was on holiday in Bali two years ago.

RaptorLover0823 wrote:

So, I've been having a sort of rugged February/March, I've had some great ups and some pretty painful downs. I'll just not down the things that have happened.
Positives:
-Cousins visited for the weedend, had a lot of fun.
-Found interest in my childhood show "Thomas the Tank Engine" again, that's a fun hobby.
-Improved my skills in drawing MLP related stuff.

Negatives:
Well, this gets a little deep. I'm having a lot of struggles with my identity, just who I am overall. I don't know what I want to do with my life, and what's been burning a lot harder; I'm not even sure of my gender identity, the thought's like an alternate ego that just can't be held back. I've had many times where this feeling has shown. For example, I was with my best friend last night, and he accidentally called me "ma'am." For some bizarre reason, rather than correct him, I just got a fuzzy feeling. And it felt amazing, like walking outside and feeling the warm embrace of the sun. It just tugs at my heart so many times a day, yet I'm really scared to follow it.

It could just be the 'sexual confusion' stage that many teens go through. I had a form of that myself where I was straight, I was slightly leaning towards being bisexual or, more likely, I may have just been a pervert to both genders but in different ways, but winded out being straight again. Within a few months, you'll find yourself. If not, well don't take this the wrong way, but you night want to see a psychologist. Hopefully, it doesn't come to that and that all this is just a phase of life. Many teenagers go through this and find themselves being better for it.

Hope it helps.

Rhedosaurus wrote:

It could just be the 'sexual confusion' stage that many teens go through. I had a form of that myself where I was straight, I was slightly leaning towards being bisexual or, more likely, I may have just been a pervert to both genders but in different ways, but winded out being straight again. Within a few months, you'll find yourself. If not, well don't take this the wrong way, but you night want to see a psychologist. Hopefully, it doesn't come to that and that all this is just a phase of life. Many teenagers go through this and find themselves being better for it.

Hope it helps.

Thanks, that means a lot.

I have a very aggressive immune system. While it prevents from from getting sick, it also has some nasty side effects. I'm still fighting acne and then there are my allergies. Normally, I drink pop since the amount of sugar helps suppress it. But I gave it up for lent. To be fair, I also needed to lose a few pounds and cutting back on pop leads to losing at least 15 pounds. I did this before and it worked. While I feel lighter, I'm also coughing more. It's more of an annoyance, but one that I hate.

One of my favorite radio shows has been basically cancelled since the American branch got fired. 88.7/89x is an American radio station owned by an Canadian company and it had a Sunday morning radio show called Time Warp that played songs about old school alternate music from the 70's, 80's, and the 90's. Most of the songs that the DJ, Christina, played were ones you either rarely heard or just never heard on conventional radio stations. Some say that change is good and for the better. Bullshit! Sometimes change is implemented by people who don't care about the past. What I heard was wonderful songs by people who have, in the cases of those who died, had, more talent then most of today's 'singers'.

Yes, I heard the old saying 'All good things must come to an end.' I just wish that it ended on a better note then this.      

This was one of the songs that it played. Hmm. This fits the end of me hearing the radio show.

Not really blowing off steam persay, but a female I had interest in a few years ago (whom I havent seen nor really spoken to over the past few years) just up and gave me her number after I had randomly said whats up to her on Facebook the other day. Now mind you, she's married and with 2 kids so I dont know how to feel about this one.

At this stage I wish anyone would show interest to me... yes even married with two kids. Sounds pathetic? Yes it does.

Oh and I've been in sort of a friend zone for 11 years with someone.The worst part is hearing her occasionally telling about her relationships and whatever in more detail than necessary. Maybe that's why I identify with Jorah Mormont so much lol.

If youve been stuck in the friendzone with someone for 11 years, you're never getting out.

Dead2009 wrote:

If youve been stuck in the friendzone with someone for 11 years, you're never getting out.

I know

TheDreamMaster wrote:

Rhedosaurus wrote:

I really hate how Thanksgiving is no longer a real holiday. It used to be so pure when people got together with families. Now, it's just turned into a normal old shopping day where people can get stuff for whatever off. A sign of a civilization in decay is when they put money and material items over tradition and customs.

To be fair, while all these retail stores are to blame for starting it, a lot also be blamed on all of these greedy lazy people who also put materialism over tradition."Gimme, gimme, gimme. I want this. I want that."

I really think that we need a law that makes Thanksgiving a federal holiday. No stores open. Come to think of it, if it hasn't happened with Christmas, we need to do the same thing with that holiday too before corporate greed and consumerist lack of caring destroys it too.

Seems like a major problem in lots of respects though. Thanksgiving gets passed over for Christmas. Christmas still has a lot of power, but it also seems to have declined a bit in the previous years as some move more away from religion. (I don't know the statistics on those who celebrate Hannukah or Kwanzaa). Halloween, even in the worst days of opposition from religions, used to be a huge thing, but now either people don't care, or a majority are the overprotective parents who despite how things were done for years, are too afraid to just walk around neighborhoods and opt for the safety of cars in a parking lot. I can't really say much for the rest, as Valentines has always been a corporate kind of holiday, Easter I've never felt was big enough for me to notice it's decline or not, and I don't go to church so I can't compare.

For the worse, no matter what the reasons, it seems like people are just less concerned with traditions and family, and more for themselves. IT does feel sad to me, as I still got to grow up with a lot of this. I'll forever maintain Halloween as my favorite holiday, but these last couple years it seems like it's being observed less and less.      

Dude you're so spot on about Halloween. That used to be a fucking EVENT when I was a kid! The whole neighborhood would put out elaborate decorations and the older kids would be hiding in the woods waiting to scare us. And then you got back home and watched scary movies all night(with or without permission). Everyone cared and it was just great. 

I remember being super excited to be an older kid someday and get to chase kids coming in to get candy. But it all went to sh*t somewhere along the line. Nobody puts up any decorations in our neck of the woods except us. And by decorations I mean more than a pumpkin on the porch lol. We get like 1-2 kids a year now at most. Even the movies they play seem to suck now. Obviously some of that is being a nostalgia filled child. But it's almost like it's not even a holiday anymore. I'm sad my kids, if I have any won't get to experience what I did.

I'm glad to have found someone else who agrees with me. Every time I bring up the subject of it being different, people say "nah it was always like that". Unless I'm in a different dimension it certainly wasn't...

Mistral wrote:

Dead2009 wrote:

If youve been stuck in the friendzone with someone for 11 years, you're never getting out.

I know

I'm only 2 years deep, stop scaring me

Mistral wrote:

Dead2009 wrote:

If youve been stuck in the friendzone with someone for 11 years, you're never getting out.

I know

Have you ever just thought about blowing the lid off and telling them about how you feel? 

I know it would be incredibly awkward, probably not end in the way you want it to and be seriously nerve wracking.

But I did it once. It didn't end well for me as the person didn't share the same feeling. But I had an immense satisfaction years later knowing that I had done all I could have and been open about it.

And who knows, they could say yes. What do you have to lose? 

Well. I do understand that some people can't remain friends after they tell someone something like this. But maybe it'd be healthier for you not to be their friend. If misery is all they are giving you then why continue? I know these aren't easy questions to answer...

RaptorLover0823 wrote:

Mistral wrote:

Dead2009 wrote:

If youve been stuck in the friendzone with someone for 11 years, you're never getting out.

I know

I'm only 2 years deep, stop scaring me

It's not all that bad...
























Oh who am I kidding.

I am so fed up with retail. I work in a grocery store, in the produce department, and today we had several people just looking over my shoulder while I was doing the markdowns, and trying to hurry me along, or convince me to give them things cheaper (which is against the rules for me to do.). After a while, I ended up complaining to my manager and another co-worker. However, we were talking on the floor, and ANOTHER woman came up, and started going off on me for complaining around customers, and that we were bringing down the moods of customers shopping there. I kept my mouth shut and apologized, but after such a rough time, I wanted to yell at this lady nearly as much as those harassing me before.

I want to more with life but I have no idea what. I've gotten my associates in college, but I don't know where to go from here. I'm so stressed all the time from stupid crap like above, and it's really wearing on me.

Mistral wrote:

RaptorLover0823 wrote:

Mistral wrote:

Dead2009 wrote:

If youve been stuck in the friendzone with someone for 11 years, you're never getting out.

I know

I'm only 2 years deep, stop scaring me

It's not all that bad...

Oh who am I kidding.]

Something to add:

You wanna know the funniest part? One of the first things she ever said to me, was if I wanted to marry her when I became old enough (at the time I was 16, she 19). I mean it was just a weird joke of course, and initially I just laughed it off, but as time went along it really struck to me with the whole context Lol I doubt she even remembers saying it. Also she has reminded me plenty of times, directly and indirectly, not live too deeply in the nostalgia world.

I mean, we don't even live in the same cities and meet rarely nowadays. Last time we met she revealed she was planning in having kids at some point, you know with the guy she's been involved for some time now. Not something I thought she would ever even dream of. Also not something I really wanted to hear, like at all... which may be pretty selfish of me, totally selfish in fact, but what's the point of lying to yourself. Things like that really break whatever imaginary false beliefs one might have of some day breaking the friendzone. It's all just a big fantasy I guess. But there it is still.

Going back to pop culture parallels. As well as Jorah from GoT, Dipper and Wendy in Gravity Falls are also living in friend zone and close to my situation which I can relate to. They even have similar ish age gap to my situation at the time, around 3 years. However, Dipper seemed to learn to let it go within the span of one summer... I'm still there 11 years later lolz

TheDreamMaster wrote:

I am so fed up with retail. I work in a grocery store, in the produce department, and today we had several people just looking over my shoulder while I was doing the markdowns, and trying to hurry me along, or convince me to give them things cheaper (which is against the rules for me to do.). After a while, I ended up complaining to my manager and another co-worker. However, we were talking on the floor, and ANOTHER woman came up, and started going off on me for complaining around customers, and that we were bringing down the moods of customers shopping there. I kept my mouth shut and apologized, but after such a rough time, I wanted to yell at this lady nearly as much as those harassing me before.

I want to more with life but I have no idea what. I've gotten my associates in college, but I don't know where to go from here. I'm so stressed all the time from stupid crap like above, and it's really wearing on me.  

I work in retail as well and absolutely hate when customers come in on truck days and tell me how many of a certain product is in stock because the website tells them so. Like, the website is never accurate so stop believing those numbers.

But that's not really fault of the customers is it?

Yes and no. No because the website isnt updated in real time but yes because everytime you tell them you dont physically have something, they stand there and either try to talk down to you and act like you dont know what you're talking about or they give you this sh*t eating grin like they dont believe you. Ive had that happen to me countless times. There are certain customers that actually come in and push product that is up on the pegs all the way to the back and then get pissed because we havent filled the free space yet.

Okay I understand.

I've had similar ish things happen in library, though usually the customers understand if book/thing X cannot be found even if the website/catalog said it's supposed there. There are million possible reasons why it's not despite what the system reports of course.

Dead2009 wrote:

TheDreamMaster wrote:

I am so fed up with retail. I work in a grocery store, in the produce department, and today we had several people just looking over my shoulder while I was doing the markdowns, and trying to hurry me along, or convince me to give them things cheaper (which is against the rules for me to do.). After a while, I ended up complaining to my manager and another co-worker. However, we were talking on the floor, and ANOTHER woman came up, and started going off on me for complaining around customers, and that we were bringing down the moods of customers shopping there. I kept my mouth shut and apologized, but after such a rough time, I wanted to yell at this lady nearly as much as those harassing me before.

I want to more with life but I have no idea what. I've gotten my associates in college, but I don't know where to go from here. I'm so stressed all the time from stupid crap like above, and it's really wearing on me.  

I work in retail as well and absolutely hate when customers come in on truck days and tell me how many of a certain product is in stock because the website tells them so. Like, the website is never accurate so stop believing those numbers.

I work in retail too. But my biggest problem isn't the customers (except for last minute shoppers), it's corporate. Ever since 2011 when my store got remodeled, they have micromanaged the Meijer that I work at into ground. They can claim that things have been improving, but I can't help but wonder how much of that is in spite of them. Truth is, nobody wants to work at Meijer anymore. The fact that my union is corrupt and really doesn't care about anything else but my dues makes things worse.

Rhedosaurus wrote:

Dead2009 wrote:

TheDreamMaster wrote:

I am so fed up with retail. I work in a grocery store, in the produce department, and today we had several people just looking over my shoulder while I was doing the markdowns, and trying to hurry me along, or convince me to give them things cheaper (which is against the rules for me to do.). After a while, I ended up complaining to my manager and another co-worker. However, we were talking on the floor, and ANOTHER woman came up, and started going off on me for complaining around customers, and that we were bringing down the moods of customers shopping there. I kept my mouth shut and apologized, but after such a rough time, I wanted to yell at this lady nearly as much as those harassing me before.

I want to more with life but I have no idea what. I've gotten my associates in college, but I don't know where to go from here. I'm so stressed all the time from stupid crap like above, and it's really wearing on me.  

I work in retail as well and absolutely hate when customers come in on truck days and tell me how many of a certain product is in stock because the website tells them so. Like, the website is never accurate so stop believing those numbers.

I work in retail too. But my biggest problem isn't the customers (except for last minute shoppers), it's corporate. Ever since 2011 when my store got remodeled, they have micromanaged the Meijer that I work at into ground. They can claim that things have been improving, but I can't help but wonder how much of that is in spite of them. Truth is, nobody wants to work at Meijer anymore. The fact that my union is corrupt and really doesn't care about anything else but my dues makes things worse.

I can relate. We get absolutely no help in our store because the management keep trying to keep costs down. I mean, on a good day we'll have 3 people in produce, but if it gets busy, they start call for help bagging and checking, and then we don't get our stuff done, and they go off on us for not getting stuff done when we aren't even able to keep our own help in our department. Our union as well does shady tactics to get what they want. A while back, they wanted to put in some clause in the contract, I forget what it even was now, but it screwed with the full time people really bad, and it got voted down. So, the Union put it up to vote again....but this time scheduled it in the middle of the work day when 90% of the ones who could vote it down were working, and then passed it through because no one was there to vote it down.

So today I spent my evening playing Garry's mod with my crush mentioned earlier on this thread. I'll just call her "J". Everything was pretty normal for the first hour, we poked a little fun at the whole friendzone thing with bulletholes on a wall.

Spoiler:

We then started watching Youtube videos via a media player in game, and she brought up a Steven universe song. She told me to listen to the lyrics, but I simply said "I will later." and wrote down the song name (She tried to get me to listen to the song many times in the past few weeks but I just ignored it). Then she started to fall quiet. I asked her what was wrong, and she simply replied "I want to cry but I just can't." I immediately started Private messaging her, asking what was wrong. She began to just pour all of her feelings out onto the keyboard, describing how confused she is; by entertaining (severely lovelorn) me, she started to gain feelings for me. "I just can't tell if I'm faking it anymore..." I explained and drew comparison to my feelings when I first started to fall in love with her, and giving advice about how I dealt with similar problems of uncertainty.
Finally, she summarized it with "I want to like you, really I do, but.... I can't, I don't know how"
we said goodnight and such, and then I went to watch the youtube video I mentioned earlier.
Wow. She had been trying to tell me the whole time.

Young love, am I right?

God damn it.... why is everyone trying to ruin everything for me in life? One big thing taken from me and i wasnt ready, asked, or allowed to get input from dad before he went trough with it. All because he HAD to have the better thing. But yeah f*** my feelings and usage of it. I'm about close to ending it.

Troyal, I know I'm too young to understand, and I likely have no room to talk, but don't even think of ending it.
If the negative feelings grow, please consider calling 1-800-273-8255, suicide hotline.

Océane wrote:

Troyal, I know I'm too young to understand, and I likely have no room to talk, but don't even think of ending it.
If the negative feelings grow, please consider calling 1-800-273-8255, suicide hotline.

Hey raptor lover. Being young doesn't mean you don't have value or input. I appreciate you reaching out man. But i have no idea if i'll get through this. My mental issues are making something that isn't even that big, REALLY BIG... i know that may not make sense....but that's my position. The only source of joy in my life(aside from here) got sh*t on. I feel helpless.

Hey Troyal. Dude don't do this. We are here for you man, just if you ever want to talk. DM me on twitter or something.

Troyal1 wrote:

God damn it.... why is everyone trying to ruin everything for me in life? One big thing taken from me and i wasnt ready, asked, or allowed to get input from dad before he went trough with it. All because he HAD to have the better thing. But yeah f*** my feelings and usage of it.  I'm about close to ending it.

What did your father do?

Troyal1 wrote:

God damn it.... why is everyone trying to ruin everything for me in life? One big thing taken from me and i wasnt ready, asked, or allowed to get input from dad before he went trough with it. All because he HAD to have the better thing. But yeah f*** my feelings and usage of it.  I'm about close to ending it.

Family's can suck sometimes. Believe me, I know. I won't try to take any guesses as to what exactly happened. All I can tell you is that there is life outside of family, even if it doesn't seem like it now. I'm not trying to tell you to cut your family out of your life, merely reminding you that the option exists. It's not the be all end all to life. Your life is a precious commodity...You'll never get another one.

Anyways, you're my bro, and I'm just a PM away if you need someone to talk to/vent at.

Thanks everyone. Honestly made me tear up reading that. I'm not feeling like i'm gonna take my life as i was earlier.

My family is really great to me.... but i have a ton of mental problems, and i DON'T like change. I don't wanna say what happened exactly but my Dad just kinda changed some stuff and demanded i throw away some of my stuff without exception. I have some stuff in the house that is really just perfect for me and it fits my needs perfect. And he comes in with a new thing that is inferior and says "there's no room for both".  He didn't consult or ask me, he just thought these new thing would be better when they are far worse. Don't fit my needs at all. And he just expects me to throw away all the stuff i need to keep this new junk, and change my whole way of living. I guess he thought it would be therapy for me or some sh*t.

He seems like he might be willing to talk tomorrow, maybe.

But yeah, i have High functioning autism(that makes change hard for lots of people, even little stuff). Bi-polar disorder, anxiety disorder OCD and severe depression. All diagnosed.

So sometimes i can be quite the basket-case.

Thanks guys. Hugs. I'll tell you what happens 2morrow