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 Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal

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BarrytheOnyx
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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Mon Jun 05, 2017 2:04 pm

Warning: This is a really, really, really heavy post incoming. It deals with anger and heartbreak,
Left vs Right, and my ties to the online Brony reviewing community. And it's personal a very personal account. If you don't want to get into it, or if you read halfway through but can't finish it, I can't blame you. Same if you felt appalled or put off by what I have had to say. Simply judge as you see fit.


I don't want to be in love, and yet I can't help it. :
 
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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Mon Jun 05, 2017 2:38 pm

@Rhedosaurus wrote:
I hate my father. There were times in my life where he really did act like one (1997-1999, 2002, and 2004-2007.) But other then those time periods, he never really was my father. He was always short tempered and always the first to punish me before I could get my side. During my elementary school days, he encouraged me to fight back against bullies, but when I to middle school, he changed. During 7th grade I did some typical dumb teenage stuff, but people took it the wrong way and hated me, framed me for things I never did. One time, I did nothing wrong and not only did I get a, ISS, (In school  suspension and then he beat me without hearing my side first. Then when I fought back against a bully in school, he spit on me without hearing my side. It wasn't until my mother yelled at him did he stop being so pre-accusitory toward me.

Now he's even worse. He uses racial slurs on a common basis, has his 'guilty until proven innocent' mindset put on steroids, and has basically become Archie Bunker x100. The way I see it, our relationship is a semi-parasitic one. If he can see people at the lowest common denominator, then I'm doing the same thing to him. To me, he's just a means to an end. Nothing more, nothing less. With that being said, if he were to die of a heart attack, get hit by a car, etc, or at the very least have his vocal cords damaged beyond all hope of surgical repair, then I would be a very happy man.

What's worse is that I plan to be an author, I have a book in progress right now, and I'm worried that his...behavior will affect it's success. What's worse is that he's making me work at the same lousy job (I mentioned it earlier on this page) 'until you find a better job. That's how it's done.' Sorry, but I can't mentally handle my shitty job anymore. Besides, if I quit my job now, then at least I have a path to some sort of future. With the job I have, I don't have ANY future.

The more I think about it, I have have never wanted/hated anybody else then the man who calls himself my father. The way I see it, other then a few short time periods here and there, he was never my dad, and I was never his son.

I hope you pardon this double post, but I needed to address this in a separate post.

Rhedo, I am really, gravely sorry that your father is not the dad you should have had. All things considered, I think you're a good friend, and one who has shown strength of character despite the sh*t that we deal with here or in other venues.

I can't say I can really say a thing that suggests I know how that feels. The best way I can describe my Dad is that... we're more alike than we both like to admit. Not just in appearance, but mannerisms and sensibilities. I consider myself very fortunate for that. But I hope you have found others in your life who you could call role models and shaped you into the person today. Its like Yonduu said in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2:

"He may be your father, but he ain't your Daddy."

And I know a few friends whose relatives did not consider their birth fathers their real dads. I know this isn't much, but I assure you that you need not feel abused or unwelcome here. I hope you're able to move on from that dead-end job and onto your real path of choice.
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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Mon Jun 05, 2017 5:40 pm

@BarrytheOnyx wrote:
@Rhedosaurus wrote:
I hate my father. There were times in my life where he really did act like one (1997-1999, 2002, and 2004-2007.) But other then those time periods, he never really was my father. He was always short tempered and always the first to punish me before I could get my side. During my elementary school days, he encouraged me to fight back against bullies, but when I to middle school, he changed. During 7th grade I did some typical dumb teenage stuff, but people took it the wrong way and hated me, framed me for things I never did. One time, I did nothing wrong and not only did I get a, ISS, (In school  suspension and then he beat me without hearing my side first. Then when I fought back against a bully in school, he spit on me without hearing my side. It wasn't until my mother yelled at him did he stop being so pre-accusitory toward me.

Now he's even worse. He uses racial slurs on a common basis, has his 'guilty until proven innocent' mindset put on steroids, and has basically become Archie Bunker x100. The way I see it, our relationship is a semi-parasitic one. If he can see people at the lowest common denominator, then I'm doing the same thing to him. To me, he's just a means to an end. Nothing more, nothing less. With that being said, if he were to die of a heart attack, get hit by a car, etc, or at the very least have his vocal cords damaged beyond all hope of surgical repair, then I would be a very happy man.

What's worse is that I plan to be an author, I have a book in progress right now, and I'm worried that his...behavior will affect it's success. What's worse is that he's making me work at the same lousy job (I mentioned it earlier on this page) 'until you find a better job. That's how it's done.' Sorry, but I can't mentally handle my shitty job anymore. Besides, if I quit my job now, then at least I have a path to some sort of future. With the job I have, I don't have ANY future.

The more I think about it, I have have never wanted/hated anybody else then the man who calls himself my father. The way I see it, other then a few short time periods here and there, he was never my dad, and I was never his son.

I hope you pardon this double post, but I needed to address this in a separate post.

Rhedo, I am really, gravely sorry that your father is not the dad you should have had. All things considered, I think you're a good friend, and one who has shown strength of character despite the sh*t that we deal with here or in other venues.

I can't say I can really say a thing that suggests I know how that feels. The best way I can describe my Dad is that... we're more alike than we both like to admit. Not just in appearance, but mannerisms and sensibilities. I consider myself very fortunate for that. But I hope you have found others in your life who you could call role models and shaped you into the person today. Its like Yondu said in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2:

"He may be your father, but he ain't your Daddy."

And I know a few friends whose relatives did not consider their birth fathers their real dads. I know this isn't much, but I assure you that you need not feel abused or unwelcome here. I hope you're able to move on from that dead-end job and onto your real path of choice.

Thanks. It's much appreciated. It's just that my dad is just so careless about anybody, that I just consider him only useful for what I want. Not only that, but my crappy job has been grinding on me for so long, that I feel that I'm slowly turning into a non-racist version of him. I.E. A grumpy attitude but without the racism. I do plan to quit my job soon so that should get the ball rolling in a good way.

As for your friend.
Spoiler:
 


Last edited by Rhedosaurus on Mon Jun 05, 2017 6:13 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Mon Jun 05, 2017 6:06 pm

@Rhedosaurus wrote:


Thanks. It's much appreciated. It's just that my dad is just so careless about anybody, that I just consider him only useful for what I want. Not only that, but my crappy job has been grinding on me for so long, that I feel that I'm slowly turning into a non-racist version of him. I.E. A grumpy attitude but without the racism. I do plan to quit my job soon so that should get the ball rolling in a good way.

As for your friend.
Spoiler:
 

Thank you for your thoughtful response, and for not thinking too harshly of me. I've had some time to think over what I said, and it was more fueled by a mix of negative emotions than I would have realistically allowed.

Spoiler:
 

Still, if your overall advice is "don't give up on her", then consider it done.
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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Mon Jun 05, 2017 6:35 pm

@BarrytheOnyx wrote:
@Rhedosaurus wrote:


Thanks. It's much appreciated. It's just that my dad is just so careless about anybody, that I just consider him only useful for what I want. Not only that, but my crappy job has been grinding on me for so long, that I feel that I'm slowly turning into a non-racist version of him. I.E. A grumpy attitude but without the racism. I do plan to quit my job soon so that should get the ball rolling in a good way.

As for your friend.
Spoiler:
 

Thank you for your thoughtful response, and for not thinking too harshly of me. I've had some time to think over what I said, and it was more fueled by a mix of negative emotions than I would have realistically allowed.

Spoiler:
 

Still, if your overall advice is "don't give up on her", then consider it done.

No prob. And I know what you mean by being fueled by negative emotions. I've always had somewhat of an anger management problem, even before all this. I'm really the opposite of that, but when I'm in a grouchy mood, I just become an angry, old, disgruntled, battle-scarred grizzly bear after waking up from hibernation.
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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Tue Jun 06, 2017 12:09 am

@BarrytheOnyx wrote:
@Rhedosaurus wrote:


Thanks. It's much appreciated. It's just that my dad is just so careless about anybody, that I just consider him only useful for what I want. Not only that, but my crappy job has been grinding on me for so long, that I feel that I'm slowly turning into a non-racist version of him. I.E. A grumpy attitude but without the racism. I do plan to quit my job soon so that should get the ball rolling in a good way.

As for your friend.
Spoiler:
 

Thank you for your thoughtful response, and for not thinking too harshly of me. I've had some time to think over what I said, and it was more fueled by a mix of negative emotions than I would have realistically allowed.

Spoiler:
 

Still, if your overall advice is "don't give up on her", then consider it done.

Barry you're a really good person! And I totally understand the religion thing. My love was cut off from me simply because I did not believe and I was heartbroken. Absolutely heartbroken and I don't know if I'll ever find someone like her. 

But it can definitely work. I know people it's worked for that have completely different political views and have come together for a an extremely positive change(my parents for example). I know obviously her politics might anger and scare you, but I often find that calm discourse between both parties can bring extreme understanding and compassion far more than people just sticking with "their own kind" so to speak. 

I get your fear but don't give up! If things don't work out atleast you know you will have tried your hardest.

Wow, I'm really terrible with words and comforting people as I read this message back. But I'll always try. My PM box is always open man. And I think Rhed is giving you good advice.

Much love to you!
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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Tue Jun 06, 2017 3:14 pm

@Troyal1 wrote:
@BarrytheOnyx wrote:
@Rhedosaurus wrote:


Thanks. It's much appreciated. It's just that my dad is just so careless about anybody, that I just consider him only useful for what I want. Not only that, but my crappy job has been grinding on me for so long, that I feel that I'm slowly turning into a non-racist version of him. I.E. A grumpy attitude but without the racism. I do plan to quit my job soon so that should get the ball rolling in a good way.

As for your friend.
Spoiler:
 

Thank you for your thoughtful response, and for not thinking too harshly of me. I've had some time to think over what I said, and it was more fueled by a mix of negative emotions than I would have realistically allowed.

Spoiler:
 

Still, if your overall advice is "don't give up on her", then consider it done.

Barry you're a really good person! And I totally understand the religion thing. My love was cut off from me simply because I did not believe and I was heartbroken. Absolutely heartbroken and I don't know if I'll ever find someone like her. 

But it can definitely work. I know people it's worked for that have completely different political views and have come together for a an extremely positive change(my parents for example). I know obviously her politics might anger and scare you, but I often find that calm discourse between both parties can bring extreme understanding and compassion far more than people just sticking with "their own kind" so to speak. 

I get your fear but don't give up! If things don't work out atleast you know you will have tried your hardest.

Wow, I'm really terrible with words and comforting people as I read this message back. But I'll always try. My PM box is always open man. And I think Rhed is giving you good advice.

Much love to you!

Thank you for your kind words, Troyal.

After having some time to simmer down from my outburst and gaining some perspective on it, I'm grateful to both you and Rhedo for your advice and encouragement.

If a year form now I can say that I don't let fear and anger rule me or my decisions, than I would consider that a fine achievement.
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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Tue Jun 06, 2017 8:46 pm

I got really REALLY depressed last night. Did not sleep a wink  and cried most of the night. Does anyone else have crying spells that are random? I took a bunch of pills today to get high and I just don't know how to deal right now.
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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Tue Jun 06, 2017 9:49 pm

Wow. Today I got so angry. Still regret for not killing/beating the crap out of an useless piece of lowlife sh*t. Bastard tried to mess with my dad inside the car. I only remember shouting "f*ck off you son of a bitch" and throwing a lot of slurs. The piece of sh*t did nothing, of course. He wouldn't dare. Me and my dad would break him so bad, that piece of sh*t that isn't even worth to be used as pavement of streets. Lowlife scum. Ugh. So lucky I don't have a gun. Sometimes I imagine myself just killing those useless bastads. f*ck them. Useless, that's what they are. At least I'm going to be a scientist and help humanity.
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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Tue Jun 06, 2017 9:50 pm

@Troyal1 wrote:
I got really REALLY depressed last night. Did not sleep a wink  and cried most of the night. Does anyone else have crying spells that are random? I took a bunch of pills today to get high and I just don't know how to deal right now.
Yep, sometimes I cry and have anxiety issues too, specially those last days.
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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Tue Jun 06, 2017 9:55 pm

@Troyal1 wrote:
I got really REALLY depressed last night. Did not sleep a wink  and cried most of the night. Does anyone else have crying spells that are random? I took a bunch of pills today to get high and I just don't know how to deal right now.

Please stop with the pills. I've had 2 friends that died from drug overdose: One was back in 2009 after a fight with his girlfriend, and the other a few years ago. You might want to try self-hypnosis or something, but stop with the drugs man.
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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Thu Jun 08, 2017 12:47 am

I don't know how many of you remember him, but on the Pets thread I posted a picture of my dog, Taz. Well mere hours ago he passed away. He was only 2, just a little boy! It just hurts to think he had so much left in him, but he just fell ill so suddenly, and now he's gone... And I only feel worse knowing that my tortoise and my other dog Lillie will never understand that he's gone, no matter how many times I tell them. Rest in peace, Edward Tasmanian Navarro.
I would put this in the passings thread, but I feel like that's more for celebrities, idk

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Thu Jun 08, 2017 12:56 am

@Océane wrote:
I don't know how many of you remember him, but on the Pets thread I posted a picture of my dog, Taz. Well mere hours ago he passed away. He was only 2, just a little boy! It just hurts to think he had so much left in him, but he just fell ill so suddenly, and now he's gone... And I only feel worse knowing that my tortoise and my other dog Lillie will never understand that he's gone, no matter how many times I tell them. Rest in peace, Edward Tasmanian Navarro.
I would put this in the passings thread, but I feel like that's more for celebrities, idk

Damn im so sorry for your loss. It always sucks to lose a pet, it really does beyond belief.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Thu Jun 08, 2017 1:22 am

Thank you, it means a lot. I also want to share a bit of a story. When I first got Taz 2 years ago, I was humming the Jurassic Park theme to him while he fell asleep. While I was petting him for the last time tonight, I hummed the melody once more.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Thu Jun 08, 2017 4:30 am

@Océane wrote:
I don't know how many of you remember him, but on the Pets thread I posted a picture of my dog, Taz. Well mere hours ago he passed away. He was only 2, just a little boy! It just hurts to think he had so much left in him, but he just fell ill so suddenly, and now he's gone... And I only feel worse knowing that my tortoise and my other dog Lillie will never understand that he's gone, no matter how many times I tell them. Rest in peace, Edward Tasmanian Navarro.
I would put this in the passings thread, but I feel like that's more for celebrities, idk

Eh, I once stuck a post about the death of a tortoise (a relatively famous one, but a tortoise still) in the old site's thread so I'd imagine it's alright.

Anyways, that's pretty disheartening news. Losing a pet is never especially easy, even when they do live through their golden years and pass on gracefully (I know I'm saying this as someone who's never owned anything bigger than a goldfish but whatever, fish are amazing too). At least he got all the love and compassion he could've hoped for in the two short years you were together, I'm certain.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Thu Jun 08, 2017 1:20 pm

Science needs better journalism coverage.
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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Thu Jun 08, 2017 1:29 pm

@CT-1138 wrote:
Science needs better journalism coverage.
This.


Also, I'm so sorry for you loss. I have a 14 year old dog and I don't want to think about when he's going to die.
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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Sun Jun 18, 2017 5:27 pm

@Tyrant Lizard wrote:
Somebody's been giving me negative rep.

I will find you Evil or Very Mad

This just happened to me as well. I wasn't here yesterday because I couldn't get online and when I got here, my rep went from 33 down to 25.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Tue Jun 20, 2017 12:07 am

@Océane wrote:
I don't know how many of you remember him, but on the Pets thread I posted a picture of my dog, Taz. Well mere hours ago he passed away. He was only 2, just a little boy! It just hurts to think he had so much left in him, but he just fell ill so suddenly, and now he's gone... And I only feel worse knowing that my tortoise and my other dog Lillie will never understand that he's gone, no matter how many times I tell them. Rest in peace, Edward Tasmanian Navarro.
I would put this in the passings thread, but I feel like that's more for celebrities, idk
My most heartfelt condolences. I lost a dog once, and it sucked. When you adopt these animals into your household, their less like pets and more like members of the family. The unfortunate thing is, a dog or cat tends to live a lot shorter than a human, so you don't get to share as much time with them.
I hope your little puppy's passing was painless and peaceful. I pray that God will be with you and your family during this hard time.
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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Tue Jun 20, 2017 10:19 pm

[quote="TheRexMan22"]
@Océane wrote:

My most heartfelt condolences. I lost a dog once, and it sucked. When you adopt these animals into your household, their less like pets and more like members of the family. The unfortunate thing is, a dog or cat tends to live a lot shorter than a human, so you don't get to share as much time with them.
I hope your little puppy's passing was painless and peaceful. I pray that God will be with you and your family during this hard time.
Thank you, it really means a lot.

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