ParkPark

Once upon a time there was an ugly, evil devil man who wanted to make a park full of dinosaurs and other prehistoric animals. So through the Illuminati he took control over most of the western world, then bombarded Costa Rica with nuclear missiles, turning it into a barren wasteland on which he built the park. Though this briefly caused an international outrage, most critics were silent when they saw live dinosaurs, because many people are worthless wastes of human life who care more about overated stem-birds over other human beings (most deviantart users for example).

Now, what was once an entire country is home to the largest entertainment park on the solar system, built on and from the corpses of the dead (human and non-human alike). It boasts a spectacular collection of 6789 prehistoric species, resurrected through the vilest dark magic and technorgy. A complete abomination against nature, ParkPark is the most decadent place on the planet, overseeing two billion visitors every second of the weekend and converting 86% of them to satanism, homosexuality and ritualistic animal and child abuse. Most experts agree that it will be responsible for the fall of civilisation, even though it has been in operation for ten thousand years and nothing bad happened outside of ParkPark.

The average ticket costs about $-45/£78987/֏0.76/€10583 million/₷∞, depending on your blood type. College students get a 56% discount and the elderly enter for free. All holidays get a 120% discount but only if you denounce all your wordly attachments. Alternative means of payment include castration, blood covenants, eternal slavery, suicide or apotheosis. If you comit all free you get a free T. rex plushie.

Important locations

Entrance: ParkPark's glorious gates are a majestic structures made to emulate the entrance into a primeval, tropical paradise. They are two kilometers tall and made from the most durable diamond compounds covered with spray paint, a gray metallic surface with a blue and white symbol that appears differently to each person, usually displaying their innermost fears. Visitors are brought to the park in a train made from decaying flesh grafted into oily metal, sliding through rails made of human corpses and the souls of the damned.

Reception: The passangers of the train are boarded on a massive building that spans what was once Puerto Limón, a structure made from polished pink plastic. Here there are many introductory exhibits like holograms of the animals, a gift shop and a human trafficking market.

Temple Complex: The center of the park, this is a massive ziggurat the size of Mt. Everest, made from black lead, red gold and all the crystal gems of the earth, ending on a black obsidian dome with a demonic sculpture facing every direction. Surrounding it are thirty other smaller temples, each connected by tunnels of sinew, rotten flesh and biological waste. Each divided in seventy two chambers that never see the light of day, it is here that the prehistoric animals are resurrected and/or reborn. Thousands of fossils and human vessels are brought every day, necromancers rebirthing the foul creatures in putrid flesh vats or the wombs of the captives, priests sacrificing children to the altar of the Old Ones, slaves tied by painful wires to the nuclear power plant to be poured with radioactive waste and excrement flowing forth through organic-technorgygical vessels, dropped in the mouths of babes. It is also here that the park's biological weapon armements are built, with ten thousand extremely deadly viruses being bred every second on the genitals of children. Exactly twenty million other depravities happen there, and I'm not gonna tell which ones they are.

ParkPark's founder resides here, in a sarcophagus made of the unholy screams of aborted fetuses, alive but dreaming. Every day twenty two little girls are cut open and have their insides smeared, every cell contaminated by his evil and spreading misery and woe through the two million alternate universes where ParkPark was never created or is still to be launched. It is said that one day he will awaken, and when he does the rails will have a malfunction and ParkPark will close for fifty billion years. So every human being, employee or visitor, does their best to keep him in this miserable state, no price too high to pay and no action too heartless to take.

Hotel-Motel: A twelve mile tall building located on the park's northwest, it is a rectangular structure made from pearly white bone, but now largely red and brown. All visitors are crammed here, stacked together until there is no space, drowning in their own waste and often squeeshed to death. Room service is quasi-nonexistent, as are beds, and the food is made from the decomposing rations that animals reject, usually mixed in with dead visitors. Hormones are added that increase the visitors' aggression and libido levels, and audio booths containing Illuminati music further encourage acting on these emotions.

According to the WHR, it rates at about 3.4 stars.

Docks: What were once Coasta Rica's coastoal cities have been converted into a series of docks. Most of these are simply where visitors and resources arrive, the former being then directed to the train and the latter to the subterranean intestinal-root network, but several are also where the aquatic animals are contained because the park staff is too cheap to build aquaria. Underwater fences made from dried seaweed coated in puppy viscerae are usually the extent of the enclosures, most creatures being traumatised into submission by [insert outdated celebrity] concerts.

Safari: ParkPark is crossed by a series of roads, passing around and through the countless enclosures. Ill protected and at the full mercy of wild predators, ParkPark's safari policies are jutsified by granting a "fully authentic experience", which most visitors are inclined to agree with.

Dark Area: A vast empty space of pure nothingness, a jet-black, abyssal graveyard full of evil energies, ruled by Kochei. It is strictly forbidden to visitors, mostly because there isn't much to see.

Restaurant: The ParkPark restaurant is one of the finest in the Americas, and indeed the whole world. Located above a waterfall of rotten blood and boiling pus, this crumbling building made of termite infested wood coated by sodium hydroxide offers an excellent view over the most relevant enclosures. The shambling remains of the dead are the most efficient waiters, slaving away tirelessly and cattering to the customers' most extraneous wishes. The meat of several ParkPark species is availiable for free, at only the price of losing one's bodily autonomy in order to grow fetus-producing teratomas to supply the restaurant's rapidly thinning supply. Also offers take-aways, especially designed to rapidly decay the meal until nothing's left in the span of microseconds.

Bathroom: It's bad.

[big]Some Animal Species[/big]

Tyrannosaurus rex

Class: Keter
Attribute: Virus
Type: Electric

Enclosure: A 3 square mile mountain range bordered by rubber-covered wires; continuous maintenance is required, to make sure the balance between sharpness and rubber is maintained. Bottles located every two meters cover for its drinking needs, needing only refills every 3 centuries. The insides of the mountains are hollowed out, there being living chambers with plasma tvs, a private theater, cotton sofas and a hogany table, a kitchen, a bedroom with a king-sized (geddit) bed and one drawer, a bathroom, a basement, a swimming pool and an indoor garden filled with roses and oak trees. It can provide its own electricity, but needs to be stimulated. There is a weekly need to replace its laptop, because it becomes enraged due to its useless forearms. There must be cameras in every inch of the enclosure, because it spends 57% of its time indoors.

Description: It's only fitting that ParkPark bears the single most iconic dinosaur species that has ever lived. The first animal to be resurrected, Rexie is the sole member of its species alive since the park's conception, as he shoved every other specimen into the blender. So, for the last ten thousand years, Rexie has lived the life of a bachelor, something that appears to not bother him at all since he has Asperger's. Living in absolute luxury with meals at every hour, free internet access and an unlimited supply of physical pornography, Rexie is ParkPark's undisputed mascot, a symbol of the park's infinite decadence and power.

He has domain over electricity, generating powerful electrical charges that energize the entire park in a fraction of a second, so in this he also has some direct utility beyond being a pretty face. Though he is far from being the most powerful creature in the park he is still often called to exhibit his power, something he does with much gusto. He is known to jog three times per day, but he is still morbidly obese. He has red pennaceous feathers around his cloaca and armpits.

During the Summer of 9876 Rexie was noted to engage in abnormal behaviour, texting and e-mailing Koschei on a daily basis. It has been speculated that the two were in a relationship, but by late September his Facebook status became "It's complicated", so the rumours ceased. It's been the same ever since.

Woolly Mammoth

Class: Euclid
Attribute: Vaccine
Type: Ice

Enclosure: A two square kilometer replica of Kainuu, only with a reconstructed Kajaani Castle, which serves as its base of operations. It must be repaired every Saturday, or it will freeze ParkPark's Hotel-Motel. Also important is a semi-regular shipping of coccoa beans, immediate assistance in the kitchen when asked for it and yearly new toothbrushes with handles made of liquid silver. Cameras are installed on the insides of the bathtub, but it will usually come out if offered the opportunity to kill poor people.

Description: The most famous proboscidean of all time, the woolly mammoth is favourite for anyone with an IQ inferior that that of a kitchen sink (which, according to ParkPark statistics, is about 35% of the child audience). This furry elephant possesses the power to freeze human hearts as well as pretty much anything. It can also tell the future, and as such it is the foremost diviner of ParkPark, allowing the staff to prevent future catastrophes when possible, in exchange for coccoa.

The current population is represented by three females - Neito, Äiti and Eukko -, which do their absolute hardest to notpass the Bechdel Test. The only exception is in regards to ice puns, in which they are frighteningly good at. They were resurrected at the same time, and claim to have served as the living vacuum cleaners of Ilmarinen over fourty thousand years ago. They claim that one day that the founder will return, and when he does they will spend the rest of eternity in the Hyades, in the forsaken Lake Hali.

Champsosaurus gigas

Class: Safe (unless you're stupid enough to go into the water)
Attribute: Data
Type: Water/Grass

Enclosure: The Pacific-facing docks, usually embellished by an underwater palace made of precious jewels. There are two hour-glasses each, which rotate in accordance to the phases of the moon.

Description: ParkPark's largest marine reptile, the annual cause of demmands for refunds. It lays a pearly white egg on sandy beaches, whose shell is said to grant immense power to those that acquire it. Unfortunately, it hides its eggs underwater, so they are impossible to find unless one is pure of heart, which is impossible due to the animal's impossibly high standards.

Brachiosaurus altithorax

Class: Euclid
Attribute: Virus
Type: Psychic

Enclosure: A field of black poppies, drenched in the blood of saints every Monday, surrounded by a fence composed of wooden scarescrows. Provisory observatory platforms are mounted on the edges of the fence, almost always empty.

Description: It is a strange dinosaur, usually invisible, that which can only be seen under the light of a full moon by those who have watched a person being murdered by a flaming motorcycle on which a girl has comitted suicide. This makes it borderlinely useless to the park, but nonetheless it is kept around because of a loud minority filling the forums. A herd is thus kept, supported by humanity's collective hatred and ignorance as well as blood (doesn't need to be from saints, but it is).

Sordes pilosus

Class: Safe
Attribute: Virus
Type: Ghost

Enclosure: None

Description: These pterosaurs, born from the magical power that flows from a woman's body, are charged with luring the souls of sinners into Inferno. By trading their soul to a Sordes, one is able to obtain great power and knowledgeable counsel.

Pelorovis antiquus

Class: Euclid
Attribute: Data
Type: Ground

Enclosure: A dark labyrinth, overseen by A.R.I.A.D.N.E. (Alice Ribeira Irene Diana Nerissa Erica). A group of twelve youths are to be deposited there every two minutes, prefferably if covered in tomatoes and vasiline. No threads are allowed.

Description: One day, ParkPark's staff decided to clone an obscure species for a change, and so its necromancers produced an extinct bovid. It was soon declared to be the biggest mistake the park had ever made, so they now try their best to cover it up, hiding this abomination underground, hoping that no one will see it. Alas, this was not to be, because one of the youuths routinely sacrificed to it carried with him a phone, and now it is an internet sensation and the most beloved of the park's animals.

Velociraptor mongoliensis

Class: Safe
Attribute: Data
Type: Normal

Enclosure: A bottomless pit.

Description: Stupid.

Megaloceros giganteus

Class: Euclid
Attribute: Virus
Type: Fairy/Dark

Enclosure: Doesn't have one. Lives in the Dark Area, and only demmanded a laptop, a phone and a tablet. Also honey-flavoured milkshakes.

Description: A majestic onyx-coloured stag with massive antlers as black as night, it is only represented in ParkPark by one male, Koschei, at his request. He is the second most powerful of the park's creatures, a master of black arts beyond compare. He is also effectively immortal: his soul is hidden inside a needle, which is inside a gif, which is inside his laptop, which is inside his tablet, which is inside his phone, which is hidden somewhere in the thousands of discarded milkshake bottles floating in the Dark Area.

During the Summer of 9876 he texted Rexie for a while, and they were speculated to have been in a romantic relationship, but unlike Rexie he doesn't have a Facebook profile and his Tumblr is full of MTG reblogs so whatever development on his part has been difficult to speculate upon, other than a vague "so like Steven is trans??? its nice that someone can wear a dress without being judged???". He is a very reserved person who sits around guarding the animals incarcerated in the Dark Area. Like Rexie he likes being alone because he has PDD-NOS.

Ptilodus mediaevus

Class: Keter
Attribute: Vaccine/Virus
Type: Normal/Dark

Enclosure: A series of interlocking spheres of light, each inscribed with a character of the hebrew alphabet, located in the Dark Area.

Description: One of the Seven Great Demon Lords, it represents the Sun and the sin of Pride. It is the strongest of the group, and possesses both the divine and the diabolic. It instigated a rebellion in the far-flung past, and so it was sealed in the Dark Area along with many other Demon Lord Multituberculates. Its power exceeds that of Koschei, and is said to rival that of the existence called God as well. It has a contradictory existence, in that one side of it loves all things, as God does, while the other is trying to destroy the whole world, as the Devil does. Hence, once it destroys this world, it intends to create a fresh new world.

Indoindomina regina

Class: Keter
Attribute: Virus/Data
Type: Poison/Psychic

Enclosure: Formerly a jungle compound surrounding by twelve meter tall titanium walls, with a crappy wooden television and an outhouse. Now she dead.

Description: Following ParkPark visitor decline in June 7648, ParkPark's staff entered into an uneasy panic. It could have been the end of the park! To damage control this catastrophe, the world's most ruthless and cruel dark mages were hired, most infamous of all Henry Wu, whose name's etymology is a refference to the blackest of magics (Henry = germanic Haim, "home", and Rik, "ruler", a refference to the users of the hateful Othila rune, while Wu is a type of chinese hell shaman). Using their unholy arts, they created an artificial womb spanning three fathoms made from the aborted placentas of underage pregnancies, where they mixed the flesh of a Tyrannosaurus (one of Rexie's victims), a Velociraptor (no one cares), a cuttlefish (why not), a tree frog (they have buggy eyes), a Giganotosaurus (resurrected and then killed just for this occasion), a Rugops (Velociraptor 2.4), a Carnotaurus (Disney's private pet, stolen and killed as painfully as possible), a Majungatholus (then established as a proper species when the staff remembered this was supposed to be a prehistoric park) and twenty orphaned children.

For four days this mass of of flesh was mixed and matched until, finally, a create spawned from this abomination against nature. It was a dinosaur, but not just any dinosaur, the most generic and unoriginal theropod ever created. The staff wanted to call it Diabola regina and then Vastatosaurus 2.0, but someone pointed that "diabolo" was a juggling prop and Peter Jackson's disembodied head spawned spider legs and assimilated three workers respectively, so Indoindomina regina it was ("Indominable Indus Valley Queen", after a pakistani sex move). A sister was created alongside her, but Indoindomina ate her because she had a wart in her chin.

For the next four months, Indoindomina regina lived alone and miserable in a little jungle compound, with no company whatsoever besides the steel crane, which was actually a russian spy so it was fired. Understandably, she developed depressive emophiliac tendencies, which began to greatly annoy the staff. So they hired a man called Owen Gradient, an obnoxious potential rapist that inserted unnecessary lewd comments when talking to a member of the staff (whose identity has been safely kept hidden, because she has since been sacrificed to Nodens), whose heteronormative patriarchal "gifts" were deemed necessary to rape some sense into the dinosaur. However, he was also a moron, so in a convoluted series of events he got the compound open and Indoindomina regina escaped.

Once free, the dinosaur went on a squeeing rampage. Now she was free to experience all life had to offer, and so she did: went to ParkPark's restaurant, rented a room at the Hotel-Motel, wreckled Rexie's house, beated up some Brachiosauruses (appearently she saw someone being killed by a motorcycle on which a girl comitted suicide), trashed the park's water supply, scared away the Sordes and gave Koschei the middle finger. All the while two annoying brats were on the loose and a fat man took over ParkPark. Those were chaotic times, but visitor attendance rose by 67%, more than making up for the decline earlier that year.

Unfortunately, all good things come to an end. The fat man and Owen chased after her with Velociraptors, their inanity reigniting Indodindomina's suicidal tendencies. With her psychic powers, she ordered for the raptors to kill the fat man, and then arranged a properly theatrical death: Rexie (who was having an ashmatic attack) and one of the raptors picked at random "cornered" (i.e. were forced by her psychic powers) her to the docks, and the Champsosaurus dragged her to the murky depths, never to be see again. The participants shrugged, and everything got back to normal.

At her prime, Indoindomina regina could become invisible, lower her body temperature, speak every language aside from proto-polynesian, provide telekinetical bursts, climb walls, spit poison and control Ptilodus mediaevus. She was the most powerful creature, which is why her blueprints were burned and inserted inside a Velociraptor's gizzard.

Alticonodon lindoei

Class: Euclid
Attribute: Data
Type: Flying/Psychic

Enclosure: An underground cave system spanning three times the size of ParkPark. It is very scenic, with underground parks, private theaters, salons, restaurants and a nuclear power plant. There is minimal supervision.

Description: One of the words of necromancy is that we can finally figure out how some animals known only from scraps looked like. For example, previously Alticonodon lindoei, an eutriconodont from the Late Cretaceous of alBERTA, would have been dismissed as an insignificant little mammal. Tellingly, almost no parks in nearly all of the ten thousand trillion realities ignored it, in favour of shallow, petty creatures like that whore Stegosaurus. Even ParkPark comited this cardinal sin, recreating pop cultural icons like Rexie. But in an ever endless display of ingenuity, ParkPark decided to add it to the list of species to be resurrected, and the results were incredible.

As hinted by its close kinship with Volaticotherium, Argentoconodon and Ichthyoconodon, Alticonodon lindoei was a flying mammal, having developed membranous wings long before the evolution of bats, setting back the evolution of (non-magical) mammalian flight possibly more than a hundred million years ago, showcasing that mammals predated birds in powered flight and offering a fourth group of (non-magical) flying vertebrates.

It's also an infectious hive-mind that can convert human neurons into thousands of new bodies with a thought.

It's speculated that Alticonodon lindoei's physical bodies are merely projections into the material realm, with its real form being actually a vastly superior intellect that resides in the depths of hyperspace. Glimpses of this entity can be observed in the subatomic spaces between synapses in deep sleep during the dakrness of a new moon. It is a being exceptionally powerful in scope and command, but has been wrestled by Ptilodus mediaevus into the depths of the pan-universal subconscious, where it awaits in vapid dreaming.

Alticonodon lindoei is currently represented by fifteen thousand bodies, residing in ParkPark's dark caverns of mystery and lust. It is a surprisingly reasonable cretaure, unafraid of death as bodies can be lost without affecting the whole. It is happy to feed entirely on alcoholic beverages, with a prefference for a cocktail born from the mixture of beer with absinthe above a fire lit by a billion nights. It does resent being compared to a bat or a pterosaur, however, so caution is needed in that regard.

Scansoriopterygidae

Class: Euclid/Keter
Attribute: Virus
Type: Flying/Poison

Enclosure: N/A

Description: A hideous class of flying dinosaurs, scansoriopterygids are among the few creatures that you can create without being a dark mage: all you need is a rooster's egg incubated during the fall of fourteen meteors. As such, they are very common across the globe, though msot are drawn to ParkPark's black energies, and as such haunt the place, flying at night.

Depending on the incubation method, you get:

Scansoriopteryx heilmanni: An ugly hearted creature as ugly on the inside as it is on the outside. Its bite is a venom capable of paralysing only human victims, especially children, which it then takes to its dark abode and perfoms horrendous experiments on. It will, however, serve those just as ruthless as it is, who sacrifice a blonde woman under the light of a blood moon.

Epidendrosaurus ninchenggensis: Easily mistaken for the former, it is in fact an ingenious method of mimicry in order to trick righteous knights. It is a lesser demon, that copulates with chicken and children to produce mindless paravian thralls. Stabbing it in the back of the head with a stake makes it an obedient wife, however.

Epidexipteryx hui: An ingenious shaman of hell, its feathers are tainted with noxious wards that melt the souls and impede them from being in the cycle of reincarnation, trapping them in an infinite loop of cancerous realities. One, therefore, should not look at it. It, however, can be defeated by the crow of a true cock, a reminder of its unholy origin... and frail masculinity.

Yi qi: The most powerful of these winged demons, only one individual is alive at all times, born from the rarest black egg of rooster, only laid every two million years. It is the commander of thirteen thousand legions of Vetalas, Pishachas and Bhūta and it is said to be capable of granting the darkest powers in exchange for eternal servitude to it. The sole specimen is kept in ParkPark's Dark Area, trapped in an artificial reality as to tame its darkness, and some believe it to be the key to release Ptilodus mediaevus from its prison...

[big]Rusingoryx atopocranion[/big]

Class: Euclid
Attribute: Data
Type: Grass/Fairy

Enclosure: A legendary cage made out of seven constellations, with a section of each lunar mansion. A dark barrier stands between it and the audience, carefully monitored at all times.

Description: One of ParkPark's most notorious celebrities, Rusingoryx atopocranion is an amazing antelope, the devil's wish come true. It looks mostly normal - aside from its exceptionally moronic facial construction -, but it is capable of producing an unearthly, heavenly sound unlike anything that has ever been heard and anything that will ever be heard again. It is a miraculous sound capable of healing all wounds, cleansing the spirit and provoking the most intense and maddening lust, as well as comit any wish the listener truly desires and without any catch, honouring its spirit fully.

For this reason, a barrier has been erected between it and the PakrPark visitors, as to allow only its lust-inducing madness to pervade, and keep the goodness out of reach, forever untouched by the mortal realm, even from the park's most powerful entities and owners. This barrier is made of pure Yin energy, using about 45% of the park's magical reserves. It is naturally destroyed by Rusingoryx atopocranion's song, meaning the need for a constant flux, but any percentage above 45% will induce complete obscurity to the viewer's mortal eyes. Worse, complete balance between light and dark is impossible, otherwise the excess or lack of light will allow Ptilodus mediaevus to break through his prison.

Thus, in order to ensure that the constant energy imbalance fluctuates in useful constants, there is a constant need for hell sacrifice, forcing women to bear petrified fetuses whose souls who are then deposited in a biomechanical clockwork mechanism where a small fraction of hell manifests. Here, these child souls are trapped in a web of Maya, a delusion, living in a perpetual state of depression and psycholgical torment until they are drawn out of life force, and discarded by being baked into a cake that is forced into Rexie's stomach when he's asleep, during his birthday night.

Rusingoryx atopocranion is represented by a herd of three individuals, and has been so since its ressurection. One, the male Fu Xi, represents Heaven, and sings a song that ideally would have teached men agriculture, marriage and the eight trigrams. The female, Nu Wa, represents Earth and sings a song that ideally would repair the pillar between Heaven and Earth and create humans out of clay (until she gets bored and the clay drops become dumb people). The third, the third-gendered Pangu, represents the expanse of existence and sings a song constantly trying to seperate Yin from Yang.

In practise, however, they sing whatever they like.

They are aloof and wise beings that try their hardest to enlighten humanity and seperate them from the pitiful state of existence, but alas as long as ParkPark exists that will never be the case. They wait, and greatly enjoy incestual intercourse amidst themselves. Because Pangu is the progenitor and Fu Xi and Nu Wa are brother and sister.

[big]Smilodon fatalis[/big]

Class: Keter
Attribute: Virus
Type: Steel/Ground

Enclosure: A gravitational port locked into a parallel dimension. Three thousand glasses offer windows into the exhibit. Inside there are four black holes, one to drain the self, another to drain the body, another to drain the mind and another to drain hope.

Description: An ancient feline of powerful ambitions, the fabled saber-toothed tiger is an exceptionally powerful and cunning. Left unchecked, it is capable of existing in every corner of reality at once, and it is both alive and dead at all times. To these ends, its pwoerful essence had to be sealed into the "fossil remains", but ParkPark in its infinite hubris decided to destroy one of the bones, unleashing it into the universe at large. It took seven thousand years to seal it again, this time in an enclosure that is specially designed to counter its ominpresence standing.

Smilodon fatalis iss fairly low in terms of power level, but due to its capacity to exist everywhere at once it is still very dangerous. It also secretes toxins from its saberteeth which cause the victim's mind to scatter across space and time, causing a perpetual existence that cannot affect the world. It also knows the moves "silver punch" and "rock of infinity", both of which cause +8 necrotic damage. Its true weapon, however, is its briliant mind, sharpened by billions of years of stimulation and entire universes worth of knowledge, allowing it to formulate exclusive plans.

Its enclosure, therefore, is dedicated to severely decreasing its intellect and positive emotions. Even then, however, Smilodon fatalis remains at +Hank Green level in both.

SMilodon fatalis is exclusively female, as there is only one individual. She desires nothing more than to perfect the universe into a dimension of flesh and metal, something she has manipulated into motion long before she has been imprisoned...